Need to be fixed

I feel numb, neither too happy nor too sad, and sometimes too moody, splutter out things I shouldn’t have. I know it is nobody’s fault, it’s just that everyone wants different things from life, so nobody to be blamed. The comfort I am looking for is not in things, I would never achieve them out of objects, but then why this dissatisfaction, whatever is, is enough.

Life couldn’t have been better, love at its best, all I need to ask myself is, what is holding me from being ecstatic, is it more love? Or more attention? Or more things? Am I this greedy, or am I too selfish, what about selflessness, what about others before self? So many apprehensions, yet no doubts, I know everything clearly, yet this confusion! Who will take me out of this? Or do I like my place, and never want to be out of this. Because I like self pity, poor me.

It feels like I have all the answers. But the constant pressure that I feel, is it only in my head? Nobody has said it loud, and I fret if it is ever told to me. I keep saving myself from several outcomes, and have a constant fear of people around me. I feel weak and under confident and mostly wear a fake smile all along.

People love plastic, they love it if you do stuff to please them. But time is running, and I feel out of time to do things that I love. I am in a need of constant support , which I keep taking from a few. But I want to stand on my own feet, why this dependence on so many people for my happiness? Why can't I be , what I want to be. I am constantly pushed towards a goal which was never mine, so I can never be sincere towards it. It feels messy inside out! Will I be able to fix myself, no clue!